I met a couple Australians this weekend and they introduced me to what is possibly the greatest phrase in the English language. Apparently, a common response to a wide variety of questions is “I’m not here to fuck spiders”. It means “I’m already doing that” or “Obviously, yeah”. So like, example usage:
At the bar with a friend. Friend: do you want to get a beer? Me: well, I’m not here to fuck spiders.
ive literally never heard someone say that what fuckin australians did you meet
mate those Australians introduced you to the grand Australian tradition of fucking with foreigners and making them believe anything about Australia
this is seriously a thing australians do, like, automatically. someone will say something that is complete bullshit in front of a foreigner and everyone will instantly jump on board and confirm it. like it’s some kind of built-in reflex.
my step-dad actually convinced my mom that there were no trains in australia. and he didn’t end this conversation with a ‘just kidding’ or anything like that. he just let her think that for years until we moved here and she saw a train and was like DAMN IT KEVIN!!!!!
“If you’re going to back away again, and for sure this time, promise me you will say goodbye, so I won’t keep on waiting for you” “I promise”
I believed you. I did. But you lied. And here I am. Waiting for you, again. Like a fool. I know you won’t text me, or call me. I know you won’t even read this.
But fuck you, I’m tired of running after you. I’m tired of always being the only one that worries about “the mess that is us”, as you called it. There’s no “us” if the only one making an effort is me. I told you I wasn’t going to be mad. But you know what? I lied too. I AM MAD. At you, for bullshitting me. At me, for believing in you and for investing too much in “this”.
But at the end of the day, after the sadness, the disappointment and the anger, the only thing I feel is emptiness. And I still miss you.
>do NOT have unwrapped goodies (ex. An apple, a gumball) >do NOT have goodies distributed in a container that does not have the corresponding logo on it (ex. jellybeans in a metal tin, Fruit Rollups in a plastic baggie >do NOT have goodies whose wrappers/bags/boxes are easily opened and closed again (ex. Tootsie Rolls, Smarties/Rockets, Starbursts, Rolos) >do NOT drink ANY liquid substances >do NOT have goodies while you are still out trick-or-treating—ALWAYS have an adult check first
BE SAFE!!!!
who the FUCK DOES THIS
when i was 12, i got home after trick or treating and i found a needle in a mars bar, please check your candy and be safe
Check to make sure all normally wrapped stuff is still wrapped safely!
Also if you can, cut up all candy first to make sure there’s nothing in it!
Squeeze your candies in their wrappers (lightly) before unwrapping them. If the package deflates, then the wrapper has a hole in it and likely has been tampered with.
I think you can still take any kid’s halloween candy to like the hospital(or is it the police station or fire station???) and they’ll send it through a metal detector/check it for free! Check in your area, they still do it here!
This is my favourite thing on Tumblr because every time I see it it’s slightly different or extended or following a whole new story from the original but it’s always adorable!
Seriously guys I’m terribly busy and look at what you made me draw…..! haaaaaaw <3 I couldn’t resist…
Sad update everyone, Tama recently passed away… An estimated 3,000 people, including railway officials, attended Tama the cat’s funeral on Sunday, days after she died of heart failure aged 16. [x]
For those who haven’t read articles about it, the local shrine elevated her to a god. She’s now the Eternal Stationmaster and patron god of the station.
ALL HAIL TO THE ETERNAL STATIONMASTER FOR A SAFE TRAIN RIDE.
James Sirius Potter fends off his mother’s nervous hands straightening his jumper, while his dad chuckles at the scene from a safe distance. Some bloody war hero Harry was, James thought darkly, afraid of….okay, an admittedly equally intimidating war hero.
“Mom, enough, everyone’s already staring,” James begs only to be startled when she complies. James knows before he even looks that all is not as it should be.
The entire platform is frozen. Older kids rushing to greet friends. New kids shyly introducing themselves in already filled compartments. Unshed tears threatening to spill, but never dropping. Hagrid pets Scorpio Malfoy’s clearly nonregulation teacup komodo dragon. But fear only strikes James’s heart when he sees that Harry is frozen just like the rest of them.
“H-hello,” James calls out, newly procured wand in hand, without the slightest inclination of how to fix this.
JAMES. Nothing has moved, but it feels like the dreary English fog is shuddering around him.
AAYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOO JAMES. IT’S LIKE YOUR CREATOR OR WHATEVER. I GUESS YOU COULD TECHNICALLY WORSHIP ME AS YOUR GOD. BUT DON’T, I GOT OTHER SHIT GOING ON. IT’S TOO EXHAUSTING TO RULE AN ENTIRE POCKET UNIVERSE IN MY SPARE TIME.
“Uhhhhh….okay I won’t?” squeaks James as he circles around, a lost puppy caught between fight and flight.
HAHA EXCELLENT, I KNEW YOU’D FEEL ME FAM, THAT’S WHY I LIKE YOU BEST OUT OF ALL THESE TERRIBLY NAMED SPAWN. ANYWAAAAAAAAY, JUST POPPED IN TO SAY GOOD LUCK AT HOGWARTS, DON’T FLY A CAR TO SCHOOL, RUN AWAY FROM ALL TROLLS, POLYJUICE POTION IS FOR CONSENTING ADULTS AND….YOU KNOW WHAT JUST NEVER DO ANYTHING YOUR PARENTS AND THIER FRIENDS DID, AND YOU’LL BE FINE.
James peers nervously into the distance, “Thanks….creepy voice in the sky that can stop time and space.”
CALL ME JK, YOUNG BLOOD. ACTUALLY DON’T CALL ME, YOU’RE NOT EVEN REALLY SUPPOSED TO KNOW I EXIST.
The platform unfreezes around him and James is once again caught in Ginny’s unyielding grasp, this time focused on fixing his hair.
Later, after James is settled into a carriage for the first of many journeys on the Hogwarts Express, he quietly whispers, “JK?” The Hogwarts Express stands perfectly still, even though the english countryside outside is ferocious blur.
